Title: Ready 2 Die
Director: John Azpilicueta
“Ready 2 Die” is the first on my list of one-star-rated movies, and let me tell you…it was a letdown. Now you may be saying, “But Grayson, you got yourself into this. You should expect these things,” which are both very true, but I think I just set my standards a little too high for this film. I mean, just look at the cover for it:
Sure, it’s basically a knock-off of “The Fast and the Furious,” but it looks like a pretty crazy movie. Not to mention it says “World War 3 in the Streets of LA!” Now that’s a movie I’d see!
But alas, this movie is…bad. There’s really no other way to put it. Let me see if I can explain it to you as best as I can…
So, we start out meeting four different gentlemen: Psycho, Sniper, Lucky, and Smiley. From the text that appears on the screen, we get to learn about each of these men. Psycho is a “hitman” and “a warrant has been issued for his arrest.” Lovely! Sniper is an “ex-US ranger,” “broke,” and “unemployed.” Lucky “was accepted to SEAL’s training camp; discharged due to personal emotional problems” (Yes, these are the words that appear on the screen. I’m guessing they mean the Navy SEAL’s, but who knows, this guy could really be into wildlife). Last but not least is Smiley, who is “on parole” and “ex-carnal of S. Cali Cartel.”
Now that you’ve met the boys, the scene shifts to a Federal Reserve Bank where four masked men take $5 million with four handguns, a lot of F-bombs, and two duffle bags. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. Just like the heists you read about at home! Afterwards, the thieves pile into a car and take off down the highway, but at a pretty leisurely pace because the two cop cars that were in pursuit end up easing up a bit which makes you feel like you’re watching more of an escort than a highway chase. Meanwhile, we get to check up on our four anti-protagonists in the vehicle, who are busy cursing at each other and fighting for no reason. I honestly couldn’t make out what they were saying, or why they started fighting, but this is the 5th minute and I was incredibly close to turning the movie off.
The rest of the movie is more or less the same. From what I can gather, the plot revolves around getting Lucky’s brother back from a local gang, so the four men rob a bank to pay off the ransom. I wish I could have understood that from the very beginning, but it actually took me getting almost 70% through the movie before I understood the main plot.
The plot is not the worst thing, though. The camera work is terrible. The quality shifts from “Wow, that’s not too bad,” to “This had to have been recorded on a flip phone.” This definitely isn’t the most accurate scale in the world, and I’m no expert on film quality, but it is incredibly noticeable when something is filmed on two completely different mediums. The special effects are cheesy and don’t look real at all, the transitions are jerky, and whoever is the editor likes to use a flashing white light every time the scene or shot switches. The makeup is poorly done, as well. All of the tattoos look like they were drawn on with a permanent marker (which they probably were), and the injuries on the characters were continuously peeling. As for the dialogue, just think up every curse word you can, string them together, and there you go!
The best way to describe this movie is likening it to a run on sentence. It starts somewhere, but continues on way too long and tries to add too much. Most of this movie is about three of the characters sneaking around an LA suburb into different houses and accidently involving the residents of each house they break into, several of which get murdered by the gang holding Lucky’s brother, but that’s okay because they weren’t important to the plot anyway. There’s a lot of backstory about each character that gets told to you through black and white flashbacks with a lot of reverb, but the information provided is generic and ambiguous, and I never quite understood what I was being told in these segments.
I won’t spoil the ending for you, but believe me, there’s no plot twist except for if you actually thought the movie was going to resolve.
This movie was enjoyable mostly for three things:
- The continuity errors (Almost every scene contains an inconsistency, which basically made the movie an-hour-and-fifteen-minute game of Eye Spy)
- The outrageous permanent marker tattoos drawn on everyone’s bodies
- Sniper takes out two (obviously remote controlled) helicopters with (you guessed it) a sniper rifle.
There is no other way to say it: this movie was bad, and I honestly wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. Unless I wanted you to know how to make a terrible movie. Then I would recommend.