Sharknado

Title: Sharknado

Director: Anthony C. Ferrante

Year: 2013

The one you’ve been waiting for. The bad movie that everyone has heard about, but either hasn’t watched it or watched it so they could tell you how bad it was. I am proud to say I am now in the latter group.

I want to go ahead and say this: I don’t think this movie takes itself seriously. This movie caters to the clickbait generation. It just wants you to look at it, and get sucked into its twisted arms (okay, Grayson, cool it on the puns).

If you don’t know what this movie is, or if you want to find out if this movie actually is what the title says it is, then look at the poster:

poster

 

Enough said? That’s one way to put it.

Enough chit-chat. Let’s get a little sharky.

 

Characters

First, let me divide the characters into two categories:

  • The ones who don’t get eaten
  • The ones who do get eaten

*Spoiler alert: the only way people die in this movie is by shark. No one dies from the -nado part of the Sharknado, no, they just get swallowed by sharks. Except for one guy. He’s crushed by part of the Hollywood sign.*

The Ones Who Don’t Get Eaten

Fin Shepard – The Main Man; he’s a hunky surfer dude that owns a bar and is possibly ex-military, which that always helps move the story along, especially when you’ll be in survival situations and fighting sharks. They prepare you for that in the military, right?

April Wexler – Fin’s ex-wife, played by Tara Reid, who was in all three American Pie movies, so why not be in a film about sharks eating people from above?

Nova – a young bartender that works at Fin’s bar, and is also a part-time badass, and probably my favorite character of the movie. This girl kills the most sharks in the entire movie. Kudos, Syfy, for putting in a strong female lead. Also, her real name is not Nova.

Claudia Shepard – Fin’s daughter, who feels like she’s left out, which is pretty meta considering she has maybe four lines in the entire movie.

Matt Shepard – Fin’s son who is in flight school. Not much more to say about him. His acting reminds me of cardboard.

Sharks – Hundreds of them. Thousands. Possibly millions. All poorly CGI animated, viciously wagging their tails, and swallowing humans whole, with the occasional shark pausing to slurp up a human arm like spaghetti. Most of these sharks end up flying around above LA in a tornad – sorry?  How many? My bad…I meant 3 tornadoes.

The Ones Who Do Get Eaten

George – a drunkard who spends all his time at Fin’s bar, and cares too much about his bar stool. I thought this guy was pretty funny, and then he gets eaten in the first 20-25 minutes. RIP George.

Collin – April’s current boyfriend…before he gets eaten. At least now Fin and April can get back together. How convenient!

Baz – Fin’s BFF5evr. He sacrifices himself so that Fin and the others can live and escape the Sharknado. Thanks, man. You’re a real chump champ.

Bobby and Robbie – They go to flight school with Matt. Don’t worry about these guys. They get about 4 seconds of screen time before they’re not only eaten, but crushed by one of the sharks.

And other people who get minimal screen time before they get devoured!

 

Summary

I’m going to try and keep this brief.

There’s actually this intro which revolves around a shark poacher selling his catch to some business man, but a storm hits the boat, and everyone is eaten by sharks. So, it has nothing to do with any of the actual characters we end up following, unless you count the sharks as characters.

Our setting is the lovely, beautiful, smoggy city of LA, California. The story starts by focusing on Fin, Baz, Nova, and George all at Fin’s pierside bar (appropriately titled “Fin’s”), and we get to see a little bit of interaction between all of them. Fin is apparently an incredible ex-surfer, Nova has this thing for older men (aka Fin), Baz is kind of a tool, and George is a drunkard who makes too many inappropriate sexual comments towards Nova. On the TV, all the news stations are talking about a Hurricane David that is blowing in from the Pacific (ain’t that something). Before you know it, the storm starts to roll in, and mayhem begins. People on the beach start to get slurped up by all kinds of sharks, and Fin and the gang get to witness it first-hand.

Around the time that the waves outside the bar start to look about as tall as the bar itself, Fin decides they should all leave, and that he should probably go check on his ex-wife and kids. Nova obviously had no idea about the wife and kids, and is shocked to learn this information. Hang tight, kiddo, stranger things are yet to come. Just wait till she finds out that Fin has a son, too.

Thankfully, Fin keeps a shotgun and some other weapons behind the bar, so they’re not in too much danger as they run out of the bar. George takes his bar stool. In the nick of time, they make it out of the bar as the ocean floods the building and sharks begin to chow down on the extras. The four friends pile into Fin’s car and head off, only to be stopped by traffic on the freeway. Since no one closer inland knows that the ocean is flooding, Fin and the others decide to get out and start to warn everyone to get to higher ground. It’s almost too late, because the floodwaters reach the freeway and hello hello! the sharks come out to play/eat. Fin and the others manage to save a few of the people, but of course, some of them are left behind as chew toys. George manages to drunkenly carry his bar stool to a car where a dog is stuck inside, and breaks the window. Maybe this George guy is pretty cool after all! Fin, Baz, and Nova run back to their own car, calling out for George to run faster, but it’s too late. A wave crashes down on George, who manages to let out a final, “OH CRAP!” before becoming shark bait (HOO HA HA).

The gang trudges on to April and Fin’s house, sans George. Fin busts in the house and calls for his wife and daughter, of which the former heeds his call and proceeds to chew him out for showing up unannounced. But there’s no time for that stuff, because this is Sharknado, baby *wink*. Claudia shows up finally, and isn’t too happy to see Fin either. Then, to top it all off, April’s new boyfriend, Collin, arrives, and boy is he happy to see Fin too (no, of course that’s not sarcastic (that totally was sarcasm)). Thank goodness for sharks though, because we don’t have to deal with Collin for much longer. The floodwaters reach April’s house, and Collin scoffs at the idea of sharks being so far inland. Bad move by Collin, because a shark named Cruel Irony has Collin for a midday snack. How unfortunate.

Moving on from the house, Fin and April decide they need to pick up their son, Matt, from flight school. Along the way, Fin saves a school bus full of children (yes, he saves them all) and the driver from drowning. The minute the bus driver is safe from danger, he is crushed by the “H” from the Hollywood sign. This is the only person in the entire movie who isn’t eaten by a shark. He deserves an award.

On the way to the flight school, a shark falls through the roof of the car Fin and the others are driving in. Luckily no one is hurt, but then the group evacuates the car and it explodes.

Wait, what?

The car explodes?

Why?

How?

No idea.

The group finally makes it to the flight school and find Matt, and almost as immediately, Nova falls in love with him. I guess she has a thing for Fin’s bloodline? Before you know it, the storm hits the flight school, and we get our first glance at, not one, but THREE sharknadoes. How will the gang get rid of the sharknadoes?

Throw bombs into the middle of them. That’s always the solution. Blow it up. Ka-boom.

The gang makes a ton of makeshift bombs from gas canisters, and Nova and Matt get into a helicopter to deliver the payload. They manage to take out two of the sharknadoes, but not the third. A shark attacks the helicopter, and Nova is thrown into the sharknado where she is promptly swallowed whole by a flying great white shark (don’t worry, she was swallowed whole, so she’s not dead…maybe?).

Back on the ground, Baz sacrifices himself to the third tornado fighting off falling sharks, but is unsuccessful. Two other guys from the flight school are eaten as well. Ultimately, Fin decides to take a car loaded with bombs and drive it straight into the third sharknado. At the last second, Fin tuck-and-rolls out of the car, and it’s swept up into the storm where it explodes and destroys the twister.

Now there’s a new problem.

Hundreds of sharks that were being swirled around inside the tornado begin to fall from the sky. As a great white shark falls towards the remaining survivors of the group, Fin grabs a chainsaw and JUMPS INTO THE OPEN JAWS OF THE SHARK WOW THAT WAS PRETTY COOL ACTUALLY. Everyone gathers around the lifeless shark, in complete shock. Then, a chainsaw starts from inside of the shark’s belly. Fin cuts his way out, and drags with him an unconscious, but still alive, Nova.

The storm fully passes, and the group looks towards the sunset.

Roll credits.

 

The most entertaining part of this movie is the fact that it just doesn’t care. Even the movie’s director didn’t take this movie seriously. In an interview where he was asked what the movie was about, the director responded with, “There’s a flood. And a storm. Don’t worry about it.”

Here’s a short list of rules that Sharknado created:

  • Sharks can remain alive as they’re swirled around in a tornado.
  • Out of hundreds of different sharks Fin could’ve jumped into, he jumped into the one with Nova.
  • Bombs can level tornadoes.
  • A helicopter can function properly pretty much right next to a tornado.
  • During a hurricane, it rains only sometimes.
  • Sometimes it’s even sunny during the hurricane.
  • Enough said.

So if you want a laugh from a movie that has no regard for continuity, this movie is right up your alley. I’m actually kind of excited to watch the next two that are on Netflix. I mean, you can’t just watch one, right? It’s like James Bond. Or Lay’s chips. If you’re a sane person, you wouldn’t have watched these movies to begin with.

Be on the lookout for my reviews on the other two movies later this month, and have a happy Sharknadovember.

 

Score:

10,000 sharks falling from the sky

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