Title: Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!
Director: Anthony C. Ferrante
No, I’m not lying. That’s what the title is.
And it’s what you’ll be saying most of this movie! Heyoooooo
I…can’t really put it into words. Like, I kind of enjoyed it, but not as much as the second one, but probably more than the first…? I honestly don’t even know where to start…
*someone from the back* “At the beginning!”
Same as before – the ones who die, and the ones who don’t. You know the drill.
The One’s Who Don’t Get Eaten
Fin – You’re favorite chainsaw wielding front man who can LITERALLY do everything is back once again (duh)
April – You’re favorite one-armed, one-expression, once-again-wed-to-Fin, (also pregnant) leading lady. That hand that got bitten off was replaced with a mini retractable chainsaw. Perfect!
Nova – Remember? The one that got eaten in the first film? The one that is a total badass? Strong women FTW.
May Wexler – April’s mother, who looks like she’s maybe 10 years older than her daughter.
Claudia Shepard – Fin and April’s daughter, whom you know from the first film, but don’t recognize in this film because they hired a completely different actress who looks NOTHING like the other actress, but hey, no rules?
Gilbert Grayson Schwee-
Gilbert Grayson Shepard – Fin’s father who happens to work at NASA (what, you didn’t think we were going to space for this one?). Oh, and he’s David Hasselhoff.
President Marcus Robbins – the President of the USA, terribly acted by Mark Cuban. Good thing Mark Cuban doesn’t have to care whether he acts well or not cause he’s loooooaded.
And I guess that’s most of the people that don’t get eaten. At least the ones you care about, anyway. Or kind of care about.
The One’s Who Do Get Eaten
Lucas Stevens – Nova’s nerdy partner in crime who is madly in love with Nova, but unfortunately, Nova still has the hots for Fin. Played by Malcom in the Middle (aka Frankie Muniz)
Billy – Some kid that Claudia becomes friends with at Universal Orlando. He becomes Claudia’s crush, but is eaten right after he confesses his feelings for her. Tragic.
George R. R. Martin – How does it feel to not be in control of what characters die, hmm?
Bill Engvall – The dorkfish guy?
Michael Bolten – Oh, sorry. Not that one. That one is spelled B-O-L-T-O-N. And you call yourself a fan…
All four hosts of The Today Show – Al Roker, Matt Lauer, Natalie Morales, and Savannah Guthrie. May they rest in peace.
Aaaand just like last time, a ton of other unfortunate souls who had names, but die faster than you can say their name once to remember it.
Eaten By Sharks: 34 on screen deaths, plus the poor souls of Charleston, SC and Washington, D.C.
So give or take 800,261 people total?
Crushed by a Famous Landmark: Besides the White House getting crushed by the Washington Monument, no one.
Sooooo Fin is in Washington D.C. this time. At least at the beginning. We open on him running through the crowded streets of people to get to the White House, where Fin gets a Medal of Honor from President Mark Cuban (or do I mean Trump? Dunno, they’re both rich business men…wait, did Sharknado 3 predict the election?). While Fin is at the White House, a sharknado hits, ripping national monuments apart, and throwing sharks into the lap of Abraham Lincoln. The President and Fin manage to stock up on weapons from the White House armory, and proceed to fight off the hordes of sharks. The two manage to jump out of a second-floor window and land on the ground, unharmed, seconds before the Washington Monument is thrown, obelisk tip down, into the heart of the White House. The President, Fin, and several others regroup, and stare at the sharknado as it dissipates for no reason. A lone shark falls from the sky, straight for the group, but they manage to impale it on the pole of an American flag. If this is what you are imagining right now:
…then you were right, and yes, they went there.
Opening credits play, WITH THE SAME DANG THEME SONG AS THE SECOND ONE.
DROP IT FOR THE PEOPLE
Great. Wonderful. Fantastic. What an opening.
April, Claudia, and April’s mother, May, are at the Universal Orlando Resort in Florida. Claudia goes off into the park to find her friend, while April and May –
Wait, how did I not realize that before?
Well played, Asylum. Well played.
– while April and May wander off to talk about the name of April and Fin’s new child.
Meanwhile, Fin begins his drive towards Florida to get his family and warn them about the sharknadoes. On the way, Fin runs into a…fognado? (basically, a foggy sharknado, but whatever), and who should come to his rescue but none other than (drum roll) Nova, the badass babe from the first Sharknado. Nova is accompanied by Malcom in the Middle, who is a little bit older now, and goes by Lucas. His dad left the family to go cook meth in an RV or something…
Nova tells Fin that she’s been trying to chase the sharknadoes and figure out why the sharks can survive in the twisters (finally, someone’s asking the right questions). What she’s learned is that they survive by eating birds and…ice (okay, so someone’s not finding the right answers). The group of three begins to head towards Florida again, but the bridge they must cross has been destroyed by a sharknado. Fin ends up remembering that he’s friends with everyone, and calls a friend in the air-force for a jet plane. The group goes to a military airport, when almost immediately after they arrive, a sharknado forms and heads towards them.
Over in Orlando, Claudia meets Billy, and her friend hooks up with a guy who was definitely a Vine star (RIP). April and May continue to talk about baby names and May complains about Fin not being in Florida with his pregnant wife.
Moving on…Nova and Fin head to the jet plane, but Lucas stays behind to fight off the sharknado. In a valiant move, Lucas sacrifices himself in an explosion so the plane can get away, while getting both of his arms and legs eaten off in the process. The plane is able to take off, and heads for Florida. Along the way, Fin and Nova bomb a sharknado before it takes out the Daytona 500 race (so not only does Fin save the world, but also NASCAR). They end up crash landing in Universal Orlando, where sharks have already begun to fall from the sky. The duo run and find Claudia, April, May, and Billy, and shelter themselves in the Universal Orlando globe, which gets blown about, and everyone somehow comes out unscathed, except for May, who hurts her wrist or something like that. Nothing that bad though.
Nova explains to the group that there appears to be a giant wall of sharknadoes all along the East coast, and all of them are beginning to combine into one giant sharknado-cane-storm. She says the only way to destroy the storm is to get NASA involved, because I guess you can’t destroy a storm this big unless you’re in space. Fin calls his dad, who works at NASA, and explains what needs to happen. Thankfully, good ol’ Gil Shepard knows exactly what to do, which is fly a top-secret space shuttle through the middle of the storm, drop some tanks of rocket fuel, and detonate them. Great plan, guys!
At NASA, Gil suits up to get in the shuttle, and explains that he needs Fin to come with him, even though Fin is not an astronaut, nor has he had the training. NASA says, “Sure, man, have a good father son trip to space,” and lets Fin suit up as well. As the preparations are being made for the shuttle to launch, the wall of sharknadoes comes closer and closer to the launch site. Claudia and Billy run outside and grab some automatic rifles to help fight off the sharks. They share a kiss, and Billy gets taken out by a flying shark to the face. Pity.
April finds out that Fin is going into space, and runs to stop him on the walkway to the shuttle. The shuttle engines ignite, and Fin is forced to pull April aboard. The shuttle launches into space, and the tanks of rocket fuel are dropped, but the explosion isn’t enough to blow up the wall of sharknadoes.
Okay, if you did not think this movie is absurd by this point, my first question is “Why” and my second question is not a question, but a comment: Get ready for the most absurdity ever.
Gil remembers that he had a “Plan B” which means he remembers there’s a giant satellite orbiting earth that doubles as a Death Star ray. So he gets out of the shuttle, and floats over to the satellite, activating it. The Death Star ray is launched into the storm, and sure enough, the entire storm is destroyed. Everyone is happy and rejoices, but then Gil reveals something. Fin and April only have enough fuel to get back to Earth, but not enough to pick up Gil along the way. Thus, Gil sacrifices himself to save Fin, April, and the entire United States.
All of a sudden, sharks begin flying into space.
The sharks get into the shuttle, and Fin fights them off with a LIGHTSABER CHAINSAW. YUP. IT’S REAL and it’s really cool (I want one). April gets worried about Fin, and goes to check on him. She asks a very crucial question at this point:
“How can the sharks survive in space?”
Good question, April. Can anyone answer Mrs. Shepard’s question?
A massive great white makes its way over to April and swallows her whole. Fin, in a furious rage, floats after the shark and dives into it through its mouth (kinda like he did in the first one). While inside the shark, which is probably big enough to hold two people, Fin still can’t find his wife. He lost her in a shark. Good job, man. The shark begins to fall back down to Earth, and enters the atmosphere.
“BUT GRAYSON, IF THAT SHARK FALLS THROUGH THE ATMOSPHERE, IT WILL BE NOTHING BUT A BURNT CRISP BEFORE IT CAN EVEN SAY ‘SHARKNADO!’”
I hear you, and I value you’re input, but let’s say it one more time for the people in the back…
The shark isn’t burnt to a crisp, and Fin and April fall safely into a body of water inside of the shark. Fin pulls himself from the shark, convinced that his wife is dead. Then, he hears a tiny chainsaw, and a small blade cuts through the shark from the inside. The first thing you see is…A BABY HAND??
(Dear God, please tell me they did not just have April give birth to her child while falling through the Earth’s atmosphere.)
Turns out, April gave birth to her child while falling through the Earth’s atmosphere. Nova and Claudia show up, and Fin and April decide to name their new son after Gil. Appropriate. We also get a shot of how Gil is doing up in space. He landed on the moon somehow, so he’s fine (for now).
Back on Earth, Fin realizes he can’t find his father’s pilot wings. April spots them on the ground a few feet in front of them and goes to retrieve them. Then, a piece of the shuttle from space falls from the sky, and the screen goes black right before it looks like it hits April.
The End, and have a good rest of your Sharknadovember.
3 Sharknadoes out of 4 (cause, y’know, there’s a fourth one)
I hope you guys enjoyed this blog as much as I have. The reason I started this blog was for a school project, and tomorrow, it will be over. But who knows? I’ll probably watch a bad movie every so often, and I’ll tell you guys about it. Thank you for putting up with my ramblings, and my ridiculous commentary.
Stay ill my friends.